I serve a God that has been with me in this journey. I gave voice to my brokenness, speaking thoughts I had internalized, lived by, accepted...These lies were spoken, brought into the light.
God can't use me. I am broken. There was a moment of brokenness, a season of wrong decisions, a lifetime of shame. I can be good, kind, loving, but I am a has-been. God does not see me. He has no use, purpose or plan for me. I have been abandoned, cast aside, forsaken for those who can stand before a holy God... and I am existing in my hurt until he calls me home.
As these beliefs were given voice, God came to my aid. He rescued me as furiously as he rescued David...
In my distress I called upon the Lord
and cried out to my God;
He heard my voice from His temple,
and my cry came before Him, even to His ears.
Then the earth shook and trembled;
The foundations of the hills also quaked
and were shaken
Because He was angry...
He sent from above,
He took me
He drew me out of many waters...
But the Lord was my support
He also brought me out into a broad place;
He delivered me because He delighted in me.
And I saw that God allowed me to see my brokenness so that I could see His salvation that has been available all along. As I realized I was drowning, my God came to me, saving me through his loving-kindness. Singing over me...delighting in me.
And I am learning that my life of brokenness is not the story God has been writing...He has been writing the story of my life in ink drawn from his wounds on the cross...indelible, never-ending grace is the story of my life.